funny words of wisdom

Beauty is only skin deep, ugly 

goes to the bone. 

When the plane you are on 

is late, the plane you 

want to transfer to is on time. 

When all else fails, follow 

instructions. 

The lion and the lamb shall lie 

down together, but the lamb won't 

get much sleep. 

Justice always prevails... 

three times out of seven. 

When you are up to your ass 

in alligators, it is difficult 

to remind yourself that your 

initial objective was 

to drain the swamp. 

When working on a project, 

if you put away a tool 

that you're certain you're 

finished with, you will
need it instantly. 

Those whose approval 

you seek the most 

give you the least. 

If it should exist, 

it doesn't. 

If it does exist, 

it's out of date. 

If you can't learn 

to do it well, 

you should learn 

to enjoy doing it badly. 

Always remember to pillage 

before you burn. 

Any simple idea 

must be worded 

in the most complicated way. 

A bird in the hand 

is safer than one overhead. 

What gets you promoted 

on one level will 

get you fired on another. 

If it can be borrowed 

and it can be broken, 

you will borrow it 

and you will break it. 

When you are over the hill, 

you pick up speed. 

Misery no longer loves company. 

Nowadays it insists on it. 

If you buy bananas or avocados 

before they are ripe, 

there won't be any left 

by the time they are ripe. 

If you buy them ripe, 

they rot before they are eaten. 

In order to get a loan 

you must first prove 

you don't need it. 

Nothing in the known universe 

travels faster than a bad check 

The more ridiculous a belief system, 

the higher the probability of its success. 

A surprise monetary windfall 

will be accompanied 

by an unexpected expense 

of the same amount. 

When you're up to your nose in it, 

keep your mouth shut.

All people are cremated equal. 

Anyone can do any amount of work, 

provided it isn't the work he is 

supposed to be doing at that moment. 

Buttered bread tends to fall 

with the buttered side down. 

Live within your income, 

even if you have to borrow to do so. 

If you want your name spelled wrong, die. 

What you don't know 

will always hurt you. 

If you think education is expensive -- 

try ignorance. 

If you're feeling good, 

don't worry. You'll get over it. 

Never go to a doctor 

whose office plants have died. 

If everything seems to be coming your way, 

you're probably in the wrong lane. 

A welfare state is one 

that assumes responsibility 

for the health, happiness, 

and general well being 

of all its citizens 

except the taxpayers. 

Anybody that wants the presidency 

so much that he'll spend two years 

organizing and campaigning for it 

is not to be trusted with the office. 

Whenever a system becomes completely defined,

someone discovers something 

which either abolishes the system 

or expands it beyond recognition. 

All progress is based on 

a universal innate desire 

on the part of every organism 

to live beyond its income.